Resolutions for 2004

January 4, 2004 | Justin

Welcome to 2004. This year has a lot of potential to live up to. I mean, it’s a leap year, there’s an Olympic Games set for Athens, Greece, and oh yeah, there’s that presidential election thing in November. Though, I want to put all that aside for a little bit and get to what really matter for the New Year: resolutions.

Let’s face it. Everyone who reads this drivel is a common person and common people make common resolutions: loose weight, read a book, eat a baby, etc. Because of this, it wouldn’t be much fun to talk about these. So, I’m going to use my power to make resolutions not for myself, but for people who really need them: celebrities.

My first resolution is for Miss Britney Spears. Oh wait, I’m sorry, it’s now Mrs. Britney Alexander. In case you haven’t heard pop music’s little school girl who apparently wed her “longtime friend” Jason Alexander (no guys, is not the one who went to Boone) in Las Vegas. Was she drunk? Will it be annulled when the court opens tomorrow morning? Who knows, but here is Britney’s resolution for 2004: If you annul this marriage, remember the story of the boy who cried wolf because I don’t want to see you on CNN saying “Oops I did it again…”

The next resolution I’m going to dish out this evening is for the one and only Michael Jackson. You may be crazy, and you may or may not have touched that little boy where the sun don’t shine while he slept in your bed, I don’t really care. But, one thing I’m pretty certain about is that the police didn’t abuse you as you so claim. So, give it up. Try and go to trial with some sort of dignity, well at least as much as a former black man turned white woman can have.

Xavier Beitia, this next one’s for you. Two years ago it was wide left, two nights ago it was wide right. In nine months you get to play Miami again. Your resolution should be to learn to kick against them. Because, you know, with Jeff Bowden calling plays and Chris Rix attempting to make them, FSU needs some help.

Finally, as I’m sure everyone knows Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen turn 18 this year. Like I’ve mentioned before, a quick search for “Olsen Twins Countdown” on Google will bring up dozens of websites dedicated to informing the waiting public of the exact number of seconds until this occurs. So, to the Olsen twins: follow in the great Hilton sisters footsteps that have paved the way before you. You should strive to be like them — just, you know, minus the severe stupidity.

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Britney Spears, celebrities, FSU, Michael Jackson, Olsen Twins, thoughts