Weird News
August 12, 2003 |
It seems to be a pretty crazy world out there right now. We’ve got Kobe Bryant in Colorado on rape charges, Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for governor in California, Martha Stewart is looking at potential jail time in New York, and J-Lo and Ben Affleck’s new movie is bombing the world over. But these are not all the bizarre stories that are plaguing our world today. Allow me, if you will to take you on a journey through today’s news.
In today’s local news–which would be Orlando, Florida in case you didn’t know–Universal’s Islands of Adventure is reporting that a man who was riding the Dueling Dragons rollercoaster lost his $13,500 prosthetic leg. Dueling Dragons is an inverted rollercoaster, meaning ones legs dangle from the seats which are suspended to the track above. According to Universal IoA Risk Management, loss of prosthetic legs while aboard Dueling Dragons is quite common. He also reported that dive crews are scouring the lake in which the leg fell and are trying feverishly to find the leg. Moral of this story: make sure you’re leg is firmly attached before riding a rollercoaster.
In a story originally published in the August 18th issue of Newsweek and brought to my attention by the Phillips Phile (a local talk radio show found from 3-7 pm on Real Radio 104.1 or worldwide on XM channel 152), apparently more and more middle and upper class teenagers are becoming prostitutes. Newsweek talked with a girl who calls herself “Stacey” who is a “[c]ute, blonde and chatty” 17 year old living in Minnesota. Evidently, one day while at the Mall of America shopping for new clothes an older man approached “Stacey” and offered to buy her clothes so he could see her in them. She agreed and went home with $250 worth of new threads. From there “Stacey” started to strip for money in hotel rooms and that evidently lead to sex. She reportedly set up a voicemail box on a dating service looking for well off men looking for a good time. “Stacey’s” going rate? $400. What do her parents think? Well, until she was arrested, her parents didn’t know. “Stacey” would tell them she was going to the mall or friends and be sure to be home before midnight, her curfew. What did “Stacey” have to say about this? “Potentially good sex is a small price to pay for the freedom to spend money on what I want.” The FBI and other agencies are calling this “Designer Sex”–meaning that teens are having sex in order to afford designer clothes or electronics. In the end, “Stacey” was caught after a typical hotel meeting with her and two other teenagers turned out to be set up by an undercover detective. Oops. Moral of this story: screen your phone calls.
I mentioned earlier that Schwarzenegger is running for governor of California. Let me quickly run down some of the other people on the California ballot. Garry Coleman, the “cute little black midget” (Bubba Whoop Ass Wilson) who stared on Different Strokes, is running not to win, but to bring others to the polls. How thoughtful. “Hustler” publisher Larry Flint is running and actually expects to win. I don’t know about you but if he runs his campaign anything like that movie about him (’The People vs. Larry Flint’) he might have a chance. Apparently there are a few other porn stars, some politicians including California’s current Lt. Governor, the capital buildings janitor and yes, me. Not really. However, there are roughly 200 people on the ballot because, well, all it takes in $3,500 and 65 signatures to be there. But if you ask me, my money is on Arnold. Heavily underrated by pretty much everyone, Arnold is quite intelligent and–I believe–has what it takes to turn that state around. Though, come October we’ll see what the faithful people of California (saw it in an Arnold voice) have to say. Moral of this story: when you can’t find other weird stuff in the news, default to crazy political happenings.
And finally, I saw that this evening the annual Miss Teen USA Pageant is on NBC. You know what this means, a whole new flock of prostitutes out on the streets.
Jess
August 12th, 2003 | 9:50 pm
Justin, Justin! I am ashamed at your lack of research for this article. By Far the Strangest news-event of today is the man who’s penis and testicles were removed during a surgery to remove his bladder. Apparantly, the doctor, who was removing the man’s bladder due to cancer, “determined” that the cancer had spread to the man’s penis and decided to cut the WHOLE THING off. Further tests ordered by this poor guy confirmed that he did not have penile cancer, and the doctor is a dumbass. The moral of this story? Don’t trust your doctor with the family jewels. This guy’s wife is even more pissed than he is.
Murph
August 13th, 2003 | 2:07 pm
Justin! You write that you believe “Arnold has what it takes to turn the state around,” but what’s that?!? You don’t elaborate. He’s got celebrity, that’s all — and celebrity trumphs all, especially another celebrity like Gary Coleman. I’m with Jess — the really signficant weird story of the day was about the botched “bladder” surgery.